Wednesday, December 17, 2003 :::
Well, a whole month away from school. I have no assignments, no readings, nothing. For the first time in my life I have not been assigned anything to do over the break. YAY!!!!!!! But, whatever will I do with myself? I am trying to get a job but it is only going to be for a couple of weeks so I am not sure that anyone will hire me. That's sucks 'cause I am in the whole somehow and I need a shovel to dig myself out and fast. My mom says she is supposed to get some money soon for selling the house but I don't want to take that from her, she needs it more than I do, really. I just need to work.
Let's see, what else? Oh, here is something sad. Not only am I away from school for a month but I am also away from Rafe for the whole month, too. *Little tear* I did get to talk to him last night, though. That was great because I miss him a lot. He wanted me to talk to one of his younger brothers but they were all asleep and two f them have the chicken pox. One is eight, I think, and the other 13. It really sucks for 13 year old, I hear, because the chicken pox get worse as you get older. I feel really bad for him. I hope he gets better soon (and that Rafe has had them because if has them while we are back at school, I am going to cry).
Speaking of getting back to school, I am going to be so busy this semester it is crazy. This is what I have next semester.
Monday: No Classes
Tuesday:POS 110 (2)
American Politics - Lecture
Social and Behavioral Sciences Room 317
9:35AM - 10:50AM
ENG 361 (1)
Specific Topics in Women Writing - Lecture
Liberal Arts Room 310
4:00PM - 6:30PM
Friday: No classes
And that is just my class schedule. My work schedule is not included in that, which are really early morning hours, again. It is insane. I start Tuesday and go all day from 9:30 to 3:30 and I only have twenty minute breaks in-between each class. Same on Thursday except there I go until 6:30. My only class break comes on Wednesday with my lab from 12 - 2. I do not know what I was thinking. I hope this doesn't kill me 'cause I still need atleast one more job to make things work financially for me. Plus, Rafe is just as busy so I don't know when we are going to have time to see eachother. Man, next semester is going to be interesting.
Thursday, December 11, 2003 :::
YAY for me! I got to see Rafe Tuesday night although, we spent most of the night studying, with me on the bed reading my sociology book and him at my computer writing a report. Of course, now it's Thursday morning and I feel like Tuesday wasn't enough but it will have to do....for a whole month. It sucks that he left so soon, that his finals were so early in the week and mine so late but what can I do? Nobody consulted me about the final I have tonight from 8:00pm to 10:00pm so why should anyone consult me about when my boyfriend's finals should be just so I could see him a little longer? This really sucks.
Sometimes I wish Rafe was a horrible boyfriend all the time instead of just disappointing me or upseting me every once in a while so then I could have broken up with him long before this and not had any problems. But the thing is that as much as I complain about him, as much as he can upset me sometimes, he really does make me happy. When people ask me if we are together I smile and say yes. When my friend Amber, who lives on the second floor, gave me the pictures we took of him and his fraternity singing, I showed them to April, my best friend up here, as soon as she got home.
But, at the same time, there are problems, we are not perfect. I mean, to be honest, I am not the best relationship person there is. I am not the easiest to deal with in any relationship, really. I am critical, demanding, at times condescending, and I have an attitude, although, it seems as if Rafe thinks my attitude is my best quality, but still, I am really not that great. And he has his flaws, too. Like not calling back when I call him. Like showing up unannounced and then thinking that because I wasn't home when he showed up, it is the perfect night for another guy's night out even when I haven't seen him in two days. These are all things that annoy the crap out of me. Especially the last one because when he shows up and I am not there, he doesn't leave a message on my board so I don't even know he came by. Or here's another thing I hate, calling me at the last second to do things and he doesn't have any specific details about what is going exactly. That really annoys me. But those are such small things, I think, and when I let them get to me I feel so petty. You know what Rafe said when I told him that was how I feel when we fight sometimes? "Don't ever let anyone tell you you are not entitled to your emotions." I thought my heart was going to bust right open, that meant so much to me. Here were right after a fight, I felt like a jerk because the whole reason we fought was because I was cranky and tired, and he didn't take that away from me. He said I had a right to feel how I felt and he also said that I shouldn't feel like a jerk because I didn't do anything. He didn't tear down how I felt, tell me I was wrong, tell me that it was my fault. No, he did the total opposite. He validated my emotions and said noone had any right to ever make me feel like I can't feel something. Does that make sense?
You know what's really great, what makes all those small things that annoy us worth it, atleast for me, that when he hugs me, I get this warm feeling. Not like I am aroused or anything but happy and content. And sometimes, he doesn't want to anything sexual. He just wants to be together, to put our arms around eachother. That makes smile, even as I think it and write it, I am smiling. It is enough for me to lay in bed together and take a nap or watch tv. With him I don't feel like I want to go anywhere or that I need to go anywhere. I don't feel like we have to go out and do something special to have a special night. Maybe that's because I am growing up or maybe that's because of who he is. I don't know, but the latter reason suits me just fine. And maybe I am romanticizing all this just because it is 6:15am and I won't get to see him for a month but you know what? That suits me just fine, too.
Monday, December 08, 2003 :::
It's been a while since I have written and while a lot has happened, nothing has really happened. I wanted a job at a local shelter so I filled out an application and faxed it over to them and nine dollars later, it turns out that I am not eligible for the job because I am not 21. Would have been nice to know before I spent almost ten dollars on faxing them the application but oh well, right? I suppose the upside is that I do not have to apply for $300 winter housing or get an extension on staying in my hall. Win some, you lose some, right?
Anyway, I should be sleeping or prepping for my finals which start on Wednesday but I just don't feel like doing that or sleeping. I am a little depressed, to tell the truth. Today was the first day that I have ever experienced real snow and I was hoping that instead of sitting here in my room all day at some point I would get to go outside, with Rafe, and play in it. Really get into it, you know? But it is close to midnight now and I haven't seen or heard from him all day. Hell, I would have liked to go out and played with anyone but nobody asked me to or I asked them and they were too busy studying for finals. Except for my friends Kandi and Tim who are seeing eachother. They went out and took pictures and made snow angels. They did all the things I wanted to do. I nearly cried when I found out.
My mom says my sister is completely lives for her boyfriend. I think I would have to agree and I thought that maybe that I was that way with Rafe after the way I am feeling right now but I don't think so. I think it is more a matter of this is the first real snow of my life being one of those things you share with someone you love, you know, like learning how to ride a bike. When you finally get on that seat and manage to pedal your way down the street your parents want to through a big party as if you had won a Congressional medal because that's what you do. A big event happens for someone you love and you celebrate it together. I am at a loss as to why I couldn't do that today. I could barely concentrate I wanted to be in the snow so bad. And I am never going to get that first again, you know? I will never be as excited about snow as the first time I woke up with it right outside my window. So I can understand why my sister feels so devoted to her boyfriend because for her, he is the only one she really wants to share those once in a lifetime moments and feelings with. My mom doesn't understand it. I think it is because she grew up not having that hightened feeling of excitement at having a special someone to share things with. I think that maybe she has gotten used to having those moments by herself. God knows that as her children we haven't done very good jobs of rectifying that but I am sure as hell going to start to try because it is a very...lonely feeling to not have that. And Mommy, I am very sorry that I forgot your birthday last year. I promise to never do that again.
I love Rafe but when things like this happen, when it seems like I am not up there on his list of important things even though he says he loves me, I feel like it is not worth all this. I love being with him when I am with him and the sound of his voice always makes me smile but I feel sometimes like my mom does, like I am the only one in the relationship who is giving and trying to show that they care and not getting any of the same or even similar sentiment back. This really hurts, especially now, because his last final is Wednesday morning. Mine is Thursday night. I am leaving the next day to go home. He is leaving sometime after 12:30 in the afternoon on Wednesday to go home. We won't see eachother for a month. Probably won't even talk as he has said he will be busy. You know, the thought of buying me a Christmas present hadn't even crossed his mind until I asked him what he was getting me. It's things like this that make me question if I really want this. If the love I feel for him right now is really worth a month apart incommunicado and the careless thoughtlessness. I don't know if I really want to be with him any longer if there are going to be months ahead just like this because I don't think the sporadic time together or the short phone calls are going to be enought to sustain us, or me. I have tried to say these things to him but somehow I cannot articulate just how feel when I talk to him and I really want to say all this to him before he leaves. Jeez, I just realized that my final on Wednesday is over at 12:00 noon. I may not even get to say bye before he leaves if I don't see him tommorow. I don't think he has even thought about that or if it is even important to him. Now I wonder if maybe he is taking me for granted. Goodness, I am so confused! If this is how I feel now what's it going to be like next semester when our schedules are so jam packed we probably won't even remember eachother's names if we see eachother on campus? This is so difficult.
Friday, November 14, 2003 :::
Whitney and I sometimes talk about being minorities. She has said that it's not her job to educate people. That it's her job to go to school and be herself. Until recently I agreed with her. I spoke to my UC 101 class the other day because my job as a minority, is to have a voice. By just sitting there in my chair and listening to them judge and tell me, as a minority, what I can do, how I can do it, why I have to do it, I am telling them that they're right. They have all the answers and here I was, wrong my whole life. So I got up on Wednesday and I said what I felt. I did research over the weekend, talked to my mom about it, but you know, all those things I read, the commentaries on the number of black senators and the mind set of minorities, they weren't about me. They were about being outside of something, about being somehow intangible. As if I will never really be who I am because somewhere behind me is a person, a race, a people, that I don't know. And not knowing that has, I think, kept me from knowing even who I want to be. And what upset me the most about my class is that they couldn't see that there are so many out there like this and all the education, or what little education they got, can't define and shape who they are because that was done long ago. We just don't know when or where, or what it's supposed to mean. And they don't understand how many of times we search in ourselves and look for answers and truth and how small a person can feel because all they want is a history that belongs to them and knowledge of who they are and instead they get criticism and judgement and this overwhelming fear at the sight of cop cars and lights. There's more, so much more, than what anybody sees.
Friday, November 07, 2003 :::
It is 5:32 in the morning and I am sitting at the front desk hoping the next half hour will pass more quickly than any other half hour of my life. I am so tired I cannot think straight. I got only about 2 hours and 50 minutes worth of sleep before I had to come into work at 3:00 am today. Trust me, it's not that it wasn't worth the lack of sleep because I got to dress up and go with Rafe to see the Red Violin which is a really great movie but also, every guy who saw me was all "Wow" which is always nice. Still, I am tired and looking forward to a weekend of sleep. What really sucks though is that before I get that weekend I only get to sleep for about 2 and a half hours before my first class but like my mom says, it's money so c'set la vie, no?
I am hoping to buy out my room next semester when Margaret moves out. Considering she bought and is taking all the essentials of a college dorm room essentially leaving me flat, she is being really thoughtful and gracious. Today she even offered to leave me some dishes so I will be able to eat. I told her thanks but that I would get some dishes of my own because I can't keep hers forever. Why prolong the inevitable? I am not going to depend on my mom for everything, either. I am picking up any extra shifts I can get from now until Christmas and then I hope I can get some seasonal work when I go home. I am thinking maybe I can strong arm a family friend with his own business into helping me out if *hint, hint* my mom will lay the ground work for me.
In case anyone, who isn't my mom, is feeling generous, here is a list of what I need.
Things I Need For My Soon To Be Barren Room:
1. A little fridge no larger than 5 cubic ft
2. Dishes, silverware, and cups
3. A microwave, preferably post dating the Jeffersons
4. Always a welcome addition, food
Oh, thank you God and Godess, my shift is over! Sleep, my friend, for shall you disturb me in the next 48 hours I will have you beheaded.
Friday, October 31, 2003 :::
It's 4:06 am on Halloween morning and here I sit at the front desk of Cowden Hall, my residence hall, marveling at the evils of money. Since the day I arrived at Northern Arizona University, I have been trying to find a job on campus. It took just about the whole semester to find a job and then it ended being some nasty shifts for $5.15/ hour. I work Thursday mornings, 5 am to 7 am, and Friday mornings, 3 am to 6 am. Some Thursdays I miss my morning class altogether because I am just too tired to get up. People will call me three or four times in the morning and I just will not get out of bed. I don't want to. I also pick up shifts wherever I can. Like this Saturday I am covering for a guy from 3 am to 5 am and then on Sunday for another guy from 8 am to 12 noon. I will also be babysitting for a lady who works in food services because she has to work all day because of Family Weekend. So I am trying to make money wherever I can and I am glad that there are opportunities but I think a healthy bout of complaining helps you to remember what you have to be grateful about (even though has accused me of "fighting this").
I got drunk for the first and only time of my life last weekend. I was doing so well and then I got really, really annoyed (I will explain why later) and then in a course of twenty minutes had three solid drinks in a row. I wasn't too drunk which was good but I was drunk enough to decide I never wanted to do that again. Let me tell you, some frat guys know how to make a drink to make your head spin in seconds. I don't know yet if that is a talent or not but I am sure it makes them very popular at parties.
Now, the reason I was upset. I am having trouble dealing with my feelings, and what they should be, towards and about Rafael. I already know what I want to do with my life and why so I am making the most of my time here to make sure that I accomplish those goals. I was even invited to a social with the top 1% of leaders on campus and I haven't even finished the first semester of my freshman year. I have no clue how my name was even found. Nonetheless, I am working hard as always, or as hard as working this early in the morning will permit. Anyway, Rafael is an engineering major and while I admire him for sticking with it while so many of his Brothers have dropped out (like I stuck with IB) he doesn't know what he wants to do with it and why he is even really in the major. I know that this sounds judgemental and it is, in a way, but really, I am just trying to explain why it is that I am so confused. I care for him very much and I love him for the person that he is. I am not in love with him and I can't see myself marrying him somewhere down the road but a part of me does want to be with him. The problem is that I judge him by the standards that I set for myself and by my love for Hollywood love stories and he just doesn't fit with any of it. So part of me says I shouldn't be with him so I have this bad habit of taking the first excuse I can get to maybe, how do I phrase this, cause trouble and there by change him into the guy I need. But then I realize what I am doing and I then I miss him a lot and then (the reason I got upset at the party last weekend) was that a bunch of girls there were hitting on him. I hated watching every minute of it. Ironically, while I think that getting drunk can solve none of a persons problems, it worked as a truth serum for me that night and for now, Rafael and I are back together and I think I am dealing with things a bit better. *Side note* Don't you think his name would be better if it was spelled "Raphael?"
My roommate, Margaret, is moving out at the end of the semester. Remember how great I thought she was at the beginning and she of me? Well, that's all changed now. She says that she is moving because she hates Cowden and that she wants to start over but I think we both know that the real reason she is moving is because she doesn't like living with me and perhaps even feels guilty about not trying to be a better roommate in recent months. Of course, it's not all her fault. I am very stand-offish when she invites me to go out with her and Emily because I never understand why she can't do things with just me the way that she does with Emily. Or why she can't try to hang out with me when we are both in our room instead of staring into her computer mentally willing her friends back home to get online or talking to Emily, with her headphones on. Really, I think things were fine until Emily came into the picture. She and Margaret have a lot in common and she reminds Margaret of the people back home so Margaret basically ignores the existence of all others, unless, like other friends she has made in recent weeks, they remind her of people back home. Once again, the irony is that I half-heartedly pushed her into moving out with Emily when she moved and she said she wanted to stay so then I considered moving but stayed because of my mom and my RA and now she is going to move out anyway. I am already calculating how much it will cost me to buy out the rest of my room and have one to myself because the truth is, I would much rather live by myself and go out to visit, then have another roommate who might annoy me. Plus, I have a lot of stuff and it would be very nice if I had more space so everything wouldn't be so squished.
I am starting to think that everything I was told about college was a lie. It is drama filled like high school and the professors do care. This whole place is backwards from what everyone says college will be like. I think the only truth is that there is more stress but the plus side is that there are people here who care and want to help. The resources are excellent. They even offer professional counseling for free. Don't worry, I have plans to get some.
One last thing, I am very proud of my mom. She got a job working for UCLA, doing something that she is very good at. She's always been there for my whole family and what she is doing now is not only for her but for all of us. My only wish is that she would realize that her children have to save themselves, she can't do it for us. But I promise, mommy, we will figure it out eventually.
Monday, September 22, 2003 :::
I think I am now into my fifth week of college but I have lost track because things seem to be blearing together. I am dating a frat guy, which I think is exciting. His name is Raphael but his Fraternity brothers call him Rafe. I really like him, which is a bonus in our relationship because it seems there are a lot of relationships going on around me where the people have really stopped liking eachother. I don't understand the dynamics of "normal" relationships in my age group. I mean, first you have elementary school where a guy is your boyfriend just because he pushes you off the monkey bars. Then on to middle school where you don't even date the guy or girl you just hold hands and you are now in a meaningful relationship. Then on to high school where you have the birth of the instacouple. Take two horny teenagers, add a fifty minute class period, and bam! love is in bloom. Now here we have college where relationships seem to exist for the sole purpose of not being alone for the next four years. I really don't get it. I think I have tried to have meaningful relationship so I am hoping that this one turns out to be that way.
Also, I like how we, college students, have entered into a place of higher learning already knowing the answers to all the questions. Like today in my UC 101 class. We were talking about race and just about everyone was saying there is no way to get rid of it because we just can't. Even if we tried to step away from it it would still live on in memory or in thought and I couldn't help but think "What the fuck?!" I think that truth of the matter is that people refuse to look past race. One girl was saying that when describing her "African American" friends she says black which is her making a racist comment and the truth is it is only racist because she associates saying someone is black with being racist. Instead of it being a descriptor, it is an insult. When people are describing me and they say I am brown I don't think they are racist. Hell, I say it all the time. You know why? Because I am. And sometimes I use my skin tone in jokes but once again I am not being racist nor am I self-loathing. It's like a blond making a blond joke. Ok, yes, some people are a little sensitive about whether they are called black or African American but for the most part, noone cares. I know this because both terms are describing the same type of person from the same heritage in America. Now, if you wanted to get more specific about it you would more than likely have to call people by the name given to their race back in Africa but being black and being African American is the same thing. They are terms used to describe people whose culture began here, in the United States, with slavery. The reason the people who are sensitive about it get coverage is because it makes for good print. Conflict feeds the media and our minds.
Ok, so what about Affirmative Action? Is it good ro bad? I think that the issue can be argued either way because statistics are easily manipulated. But, if you think about it, it is really a good thing because it calls for accountability of companies and colleges and anything else where discrimination is possible. If we get rid of it, what;s to say that things won't go back to how they were with whites being favored over people of miniorities? The point of Affirmative Action is to ensure that applicants be judged solely on merit and not on race. So, then, why do job applications have race boxes on them? And why do tests? Becuase how are you supposed to monitor what is going on if you don;t come up with a way to tracvk progress. A company can easily say that it's employees where hired fairly but what's to say that they were if you have no proof? How do you know they are hiring soley based on merit if you cannot go back in their personnel files and see how many black applicants were hired as opposed to white?